This is an original post written by contributing writer Alexandra.

I watch as my 8 year old son bounds up to greet his friends at his Scout meeting. He is all smiles, and secure with what his friends reflect back to him, that tell him who he is. He feels accepted, valued, and I can see that.

We have so many people in our lives that help us remember who we are, and that we are not alone in life: friends, partners, co-workers, exercise buddies, bookclubbers. So many sources where we can find those who help us to remember who we are and that we belong to something more than just our small world at home.

Renee Trudeau writes of the value and therapeutic benefits of having people who understand us in our lives, what she calls a personal support system. Having friends is natural and effortless when we are young, but I have found, it takes much work later in life as we become busy. We tell ourselves, we just don’t have the time for friends the way we once did.

We are busy, there are excuses, we find things that are more important and urgent, and relationships fall to the bottom of the list.  I have let this very thing happen in my life. I felt I didn’t have the time to carve out for maintaining or creating a life outside of my children and husband.  What happened to me during this time, was a period of isolation that created a sad, unhappy mother and wife, for my family. I had no sense of belonging to anything other than just the life inside my home.

Though it is not easy to find time for friends and personal contacts, I have learned it is worth every bit of effort. Life is better knowing that there are people who care about you, and who you can turn to. The personal support system that friendships create is something that makes my life one of joy.

Friendships can be sparked in many places. There is a way to begin. Here is what I have found to be successful in maintaining, building, and connecting relationships with those outside of my children and spouse.

Make Time To Reconnect

This can be done face to face with a friend you were once close with, or a friend you have neglected. You can connect with a quick voice mail just saying that you miss their company, a short email saying you’d like to catch up with them, or a simple hand written note inviting them for coffee. It is an action set into motion that will start the wheels spinning in the right direction for contact with that person you miss in your life.

Slow Down

One of the challenges for a busy mother, is to carve out time to reach out to others outside of the home. Finding time. I have made myself make the time, since I have never been able to find the time! We need to tend to our relationships with others, to keep them alive and healthy. Making staying in touch a scheduled priority; as in, every Wednesday morning, schedule a walk with a friend, then stick to that schedule.  Making this time, rather than waiting for the time to appear, will provide refueling, relaxation, and bonding, with a friend.

Create a Quick Conversation

With the internet, emailing, voice mail, twitter, Facebook, there really is no reason we cannot  have a quick 2 minute conversation. Just to check in, ask how they are, retell a funny story, update someone on our life, or wish them a good day. It can be done. And we can do it on our own timetable. It is the communication that keeps the friendship feeling nurtured and alive.

Keep It Simple

If we wait for the right time, the right words, the right event, we can end up waiting for a time that never comes. We need to grab, snatch, make, the few minutes it takes to feel connected. It can be so simple, just a quick gesture or words saying, “Hello, I miss you, and I’m so glad you are in my life,” will let your friend know that they are important to you.

I have incorporated these few, small changes in my life in the 15 years that I have been a mother. I have seen that by making the effort, I am able to stay in touch. These small gestures on my part have made an amazing difference to me and to my presence in my friend’s lives.

It’s the power of a deliberate effort that brings its reward. And the reward of feeling connected and bonded just from a few minutes of my time on a daily basis far outweighs the few minutes I am able to give here and there.

Why not make a personal commitment to have at least 10 minutes of your day spent reconnecting or nurturing a relationship in your life? The more often you stay in touch with your friends, the more meaningful your relationship with them will become. And we are so much happier when we have those around us that make us bound up to greet them, as my 8 year old son does when he sees his friends.

Alexandra works as both a caterer and stay at home mother to 3 boys in a small town. She keeps a personal blog Good Day Regular People, where she co-blogs with her children of their adventures in homeschooling.  To quote Alexandra, “it is all snips and snails and puppy dog tails”.

Showing 35 comments
  • So very happy to be here, Stacey.

    I enjoy and admire what you are contributing to mothers who are on the internet. Your series on mom renewal and your enthusiasm for improving our lives through small steps, inspires me.

    Thank you

  • It’s so very simple yet not so easy, y’know? The longer I stayed disconnected, the harder it was to pick up the phone. I found it so comfortable to hide behind a computer screen being witty and charming. Stepping up with the folks who surround me has been a real challenge. Facing it one day at a time.

  • Alexandra, this is beautiful, eloquent, and oh-so-perfect! You have inspired me to reach out to long lost friends today, and especially to those faithful few who are always there.

    Thanks!

  • these are great suggestions and very practical for good living (if you are a mom or not) alexandra…these are simple yet so easy to forget…

  • CDG

    Such an essential part our lives as parents, and we forget it so easily.

    What I’ve found interesting is that social media has helped, but not the way I thought it would. Facebook, et al, which draws you into connections with friends, etc, is less meaningful to me than the community of friends and supporters that I’ve developed through blogging/Twitter, which force me to reach out.

    As a result? It’s become easier to reach out to long lost friends, to new friends and relationships.

    And I am a happier woman and a better Mom for it.

  • Such a great post! And so true! After I had my son and suffered terribly from PPD it was having such amazing friends and such a great and loving support system that helped to lift me out of such a dark place!

  • This post is like cool water to a very thirsty me. I’m definitely guilty of not keeping up, and so are many of the women I want to reconnect with. We ALWAYS enjoy catching up and always relate our guilt at not doing so. I’m going to try to take time I spent feeling guilty and do something about it. 10 minutes today? I can start this journey with a small step. Thanks for the reminder.

  • I am struggling with this very problem right now. I don’t have a minute to myself where I’m not doing something for someone else – and the things I am doing, I am doing poorly!

    Need to go take a deep breath now.

  • Great ideas, Alexandra. Friendship is so important. It’s time we make it a priority (if only for our mental health). I am excited (and yes, a little nervous) to be planning a gathering with friends I met when my oldest was a baby. We were all new moms together, and I can’t wait to see everyone again. It’s hard to believe that our children are now teenagers!

  • Hi Empress,
    Beautifully expressed, as always. This is one I really struggle with. And my demon is not time but guilt. I feel like if I go out w/ friends, I should be home w/ kids, and if I’m online conversing w/ my blogging friends, that I should be nurturing instead my physical friendships or doing something with my kids or my husband. It seems that whatever I am doing, I usually feel like I am neglecting someone else. I need, really need, to let that go!

  • It’s so easy to become disconnected from others. Even more so now that my kids are older. When they were young, i was forced to interact with people at activities, events and carpool line. Now, not so much. I have to force myself sometimes to get out of my own head and head out into the world.

    Well put

  • Joy

    This really is a good reminder to make an effort to stay connected. It is so easy to lose that connection through distance, life changes, etc. We often don’t appreciate those around us until we need them most.

  • Every month my friends and I have a standing date for lunch. And every month when that date rolls around, I grumble about the inconvenience and how I don’t have the time. And then I go. And have just the most amazing time.

    Wonderful post, Empress. It’s a fuel for our souls, to stay connected to that other person who isn’t just a mom.

    Thanks for the reminder.

  • Good good stuff, Empress. So important, particularly keeping those relationships that inspire and comfort you outside of the hub and spawn. And I know you live this one, girl!

  • Yes, yes, and yes. To all of it. Now, to go take some time for myself. I think I have a half-read book somewhere calling my name. Do you hear it?
    It’s saying thank you. Very much.
    Or maybe that’s me. Either way.

  • I’ve been made so aware of this since I’ve become a mother. I’ve never made more of an effort to create friendships than I’m doing now – because I need them to stay sane. Who else would I confide to that I dented the car door? Certainly not my husband. 🙂 Make new friends, but keep the old. Because the value of silver and gold has never been higher than it is today.

  • I need to do this more often. I have so many people I’ve fallen out of contact with, and every once in a while I call them up, but it’s sort of just grabbing at straws. I need to keep that 10 minute a day rule you suggested and just make it a must.

  • Alexandra,
    You amaze me with your thoughtful posts and more importantly, that you walk the walk!
    I appreciate all the kindness you have shared with me. Thank you.

  • I do get lonely if it’s been a while since I spent time with a girlfriend. It even helps just going to work being around adults for 9 hours.

  • I’m terrible at staying connected with my friends. It’s so much easier for me to do my own thing and hide out at home. But I feel so happy and alive when I do make the effort.

  • Someone once said that “All I need is family.” I replied that “with family I would have jumped off a bridge, but my friends are my support system. ” Those are friends developed and nurtured at mother’s day out pick up, playground, school functions, through volunteerism (there is nothing like working in concessions with someone to make a friend). It is definitely a net-working mentality with sincerity. Believe me, it makes a difference when the little guys start leaving the nest. It is also great for the boys to think you know everyone – so it’s like you have a gazillion eyes on you! I think friendships are very important to women and moms:) Great article Alexandra!

  • liz

    I love all our quickies, Alexandra! 😉

  • Very thoughtful and inspiring article.. It is good to know the presence of our
    friends can make enlighten our days… treasure our friends and loveones.
    thanks for sharing….

  • You’ve always been so wonderful at this. I am still struggling with this need to find the “right” time when really, 5 or 10 would and should do. The last bit of advice – why not commit to 10 minutes today to nurture a relationship – is perfect. We have 10 minutes to waste on the internet, staring out into space…we can channel some of that time we have but don’t think we have into our friendships 🙂

  • Funny how friendships change as we grow up. I never thought in a million years that I’d have friends online. And here I am. I guess it’s all about rolling with it, right?

  • This is so true! I am working hard on friendships. Sometimes I feel frustrated because it’s so hard. This post reminds me that it is important. Thank you.

  • Alexandra, this hits close to home. I spent so many years tending to my kids and hubby that I neglected myself. And friendships feed the soul, and make me a better wife and mother! You make some wonderful points here, and I can’t think of a more perfect person to be over here.

  • This makes me want to be have another weekend with my childhood friends again! Funny because I was just there two weeks ago. It’s always amazing how people manage to stay connected. On the other hand, isn’t it the saddest thing in life when people who meant a lot in the past just sort of disappear? That’s why I totally agree with Alexandra’s point that “It is the communication that keeps the friendship feeling nurtured and alive.” Bless the social media sites… they make getting in touch so much easier! Thanks Alexandra and thanks Stacey for having this post in here.

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