“Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.”
~ Buddha ~
Note: I’m going to refer to my oldest son as Bug in this post.
My 5 year old son, Bug, started kindergarten last Monday and it’s been a wild week filled with all sorts of emotions. The first day of kindergarten provided me with a huge reminder of the importance of living in the moment and simply BEING in the moment with my children.
Last Week I Heard About Potential Mommy Tears
During the parent information night on August 25, one of the co-presidents of the PTA told us the moms (and some dads) would probably cry on the first day of school. She even encouraged us to prepare our children for our tears. As that point, I wasn’t sure if I was really going to cry, but I went home and told Bug not to be surprised if he saw my tears on this first day of school. He was very surprised that I would even consider crying as I tried to explain they would be tears of joy, tears of a proud mama, similar to tears that are shed at a wedding.
Just the mention of tears got him a bit nervous.
The Morning Arrived – Walking Bug to His First Day of School
On Monday, August 31, my husband and I walked my son to kindergarten. The sun was shining, the air was crisp, and we all had smiles on our faces. The first two-thirds of our walk to school was calm, timeless, precious, and the closest thing to perfect. We were a happy, healthy, and safe family, with all our freedoms, living in the United States of America walking to one of the best elementary schools in Illinois. Life was good, each moment, each breath was down right perfect.
Turning the Corner Towards the School
I started getting nervous butterflies in my stomach by the time we reached the edge of the school. I was so excited for Bug to go to kindergarten, we have been waiting for this exciting moment for so long, but suddenly as a mom, as we turned the corner, I wanted time to stand to still. Actually, I think I wanted to turn back the clock. Each step we took closer to the school, I wanted to run the other way. I wanted to turn back time to grab on to the past (to my 4 year old Bug, to my 3 year old Bug, to my 2 year old Bug, to my baby Bug).
Getting In Line for His Classroom
When we finally arrived to the school, Bug had to stand in line until his teacher walked the entire class inside the school. I stood in line with my son not knowing any of the other students or the other parents. It made me nervous that Bug did not know anyone else in his class. In a flash, like a stab to my chest, I realized my baby was moving into the next huge phase of his life…without me…and without anyone else he knows…and the elephant tears started pouring out of my eyes.
Thank G-d I was wearing big ass sunglasses. I had to excuse myself twice from the line to wipe my eyes and blow my overly emotional mommy nose.
I was able to put myself together before Bug actually walked into school and vanished behind the school doors. I wasn’t expecting my heart to sink on the first day of kindergarten…but not only did part of my heart sink, a part of it broke.
The Emotional Flood Gates of Motherhood
Yes…I’m admitting it…and I’d like to know if there is anyone else out there that did the same…
I cried throughout the day during Bug’s first day of kindergarten.
Yes, I work from home and was alone all day, so maybe I wouldn’t have cried if I was in an office environment all day.
I Didn’t Cry Because I was Sad. I wasn’t Sad.
I really wasn’t sad. I was purely emotional. Sending Bug to kindergarten was an extremely emotional experience for me. I think it stirred up so many different emotions that it resulted in tears. The change was overwhelming that it knocked me down and took my breath away.
Instead of fighting the tears, I just allowed myself to BE with my tears.
Finding the Present Moment
Eventually, the tears stopped and I rode my bicycle built for two over to the school to pick up Bug.
Bug and I had an amazing late afternoon together hanging out, talking about school, and having our first after school snack together. I was no longer missing the younger years of Bug but was simply being in the present, cherishing the precious innocence of what he was experiencing as a kindergartener.
Is There a Balance?
Ever since the first day of kindergarten last week, I’ve been trying to figure out the balance between letting my son move into the bigger world and wanting to hold him tight and protect him from the world. I know somewhere in between is a fine balance that results in a raising a strong independent man who will contribute great things to our society. The million dollar question…where exactly is that balance?
This is Your Moment
Have you experienced taking your child to kindergarten? Did you cry? Were you emotional? Please, tell me, will this emotional phenomenon happen again on the first day of first grade and second grade and third grade, etc?
Have you discovered your own balancing act of giving your child freedom while also protecting him/her from the world? I’m sure all moms would love to hear your thoughts in the comments section!
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Hi Stacey,
I feel with you. I cried when I had to give my babies to daycare first some years ago. And my oldest bug is now going to pre-kindergarten next week. I have been preparing like all of the mommies buying stuff, telling him about it in order to get him emotionally ready. But am I? I have no idea. The problem is that on his first day of school I am on a business trip which I cannot change and I feel guilty about it. His daddy will be there with him, but still…
I know he is a big guy and that he will make friends and have so much fun. We went to have a look at the school and they have a shed with lots of bicycles and tractors. That fact alone was enough to make him look forward to going. So why should I worry? 🙂
I think the balance comes naturally. If you do your best, then the rest will follow. And as my husband says ‘when they’re hitting puberty they hate you no matter what you’ve done’ :-=)
So, kudos to you for getting through this. There are more such days to come. It never ends. And that’s the brilliant rollercoaster of life.
Stacey….wow, your story really hit home for me…The feelings you have are normal, and NEVER ENDING! As I read your experience, I could relive the first day of Kindergarten for Chad…TEN YEARS AGO! But the reason the story hit so hard for me is because he just started HIGH SCHOOL this year, and I WAS A FRICKIN’ WRECK!!!!!!!!!!!!
It was just like those old feelings of going to Kindergarten…starting a new chapter of his life…but with so many new and scary obstacles. I was driving Chad to school on the first day, and we passed the bus stop. He said, “Mom, I want to ride the bus.” NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! “Oh, you do?” “Yeah!” NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO “Ok, I’ll just wait for you here…”
I looked through my rearview window as he waited on the corner of a main street in the dark with other kids (young adults) and I saw him looking back at the car like a little puppy dog….When he got on that bus, I wanted to throw up, cry, and sing and dance all at the same time!!!!
I was SO happy that he was being independent and going to this ENORMOUS school where there are 8 buildings!!!! But that was my baby. My baby. My heart broke and squeezed, and I said to myself that this is what everything I’ve done in the past 15 years has come to…I have been trying to help him fly from the nest…sometimes I even have to give a firm nudge/shove! But now that he went and flew on his own, I WANTED HIM BACK IN MY NEST!!!!!!! I wanted to take him home and nap him and put him to my breast when he woke up…..I wanted to have him fall asleep in my arms protected…I wanted us to watch Elmo sing on TV….
It’s a very bittersweet and emotional feeling. Just know that it doesn’t end there….gosh, can you imagine what a parent must feel like when their child gets married! Or has children of their own? It is so important for us, as mommies, to give our kids the tools they need to become functioning, self-reliant humans…..it is the hardest job to do. And I welcome you to the club, now and forever.
I put my oldest on the kindergarten bus last year. Tomorrow, I do it again with my daughter. I admire that you were able to “let go” by the afternoon…I was in tears all day, too, but never could shake that feeling that the baby days were over. I know the same will happen tomorrow, especially as DD has been anxious about school in a way that DS1 was not.
As for the transition to first grade, it feels like a big one to me. Fortunately (??), DD’s going to kindergarten is enough of a distraction that I’m not as wrapped up in it as I would be. But I have a big problem with that “balance” you mention…I’d be happy if all my kids were home with me forever! I still have a 3-year-old that, due to a fall birthday, is home for another two years. I can’t imagine what *that* first day of K will be like.
I’m glad you’re writing about this subject. As my story shows, experience doesn’t necessarily make this situation any easier, and I’ll be interested to read how others work at the process of letting our children grow.
I think all moms do this — you’re not alone. I remember watching G walk into his class and crying. Funny moment, though. A friend who grew up in much rougher circumstances than I did looked at me (I was bawling, clinging to my younger son) and she said, “Look, we’re sending them to kindergarten, not to Iraq!” I had to laugh.
First grade was a much easier sendoff. This year (second grade), I let my husband take him! Hang in there.
I love this. First day of kindergarten is such an emotional one. I dropped my youngest at kindergarten Tuesday. It went slightly better than my first experience a few years earlier, when I dropped my oldest at the first day of preschool. I had been prepared to stick around for awhile, lingering and offering the reassurance that only a mother can. Until E. looked up at me said said, “Are you still here? Isn’t this a drop-off situation?” I didn’t even know she knew the word situation, and, even more, I couldn’t believe she didn’t need me. The preschool teacher looked at me kindly and said, “It’s time. She’ll be fine.” Maybe…but what about ME? I went outside, called my own mom and cried.
Beautiful story Stacy. Thank you for sharing. Just reading your story reminds me of my 4 kids and that road to first day Kindergarten. You described my experience and what amazes me is how it does continue. Those feeling swell when they have their first program (if those programs even happen anymore ~they were beautiful~) and then they graduate Kindergarten and then 6th grade and then it’s on to Jr. High and Highschool. I can’t even imagine what the trip to college will yield. But your right to help us find the beauty in these changes and struggles between interconnection and separateness. Enjoy
Mimi – My heart and soul will BE with you next week and you journey to pre-kindergarten next week. I’m learning that sending out children to school to a “brilliant rollercoaster” passage we all must walk through as moms.
Lori – Thank you Lori for sharing you story and letting me know that I have many more years of having to experience letting my children go all over again. My heart and soul is with you too and you explore the new world of being a high school mom.
Kathi – We are hear to support you on my blog if you want to share your feelings about your daughter’s first day of kindergarten. I’ll be thinking of you Tuesday morning.
Hollee – I have a friend that would have toldl me that my son was only going to kindergarten, not to Iraq!” I laughed when I read your comment. It’s true, but it’s still emotional. K is different than Iraq, but as a mom, it’s still emotional. I’m giving all moms permission to cry on the first day of school (and the second and third day of school too if we are moved to cry).
Becky – Thank you for telling us your story filled with tears. I think it’s important to share our stories – tears and all.
Angela – There is “beauty in these changes and struggles between interconnection and separateness”. Thank you for stating this so beautifully.
Oh man! Reading this article really caused the memories to come back. I have three daughters ( all out of high school now except one!) and I vividly remember when my oldest first started school. She was pretty frightened. I waited for the bus with her and when it came she didn’t want to get on it, I carried her on the bus, she was crying and I wanted to just die. I felt so bad and to this day I cry when I remember that. She was fine, by the way, after getting to school and was okay thereafter, but that one day…Oh my god, it was very difficult.
My other two daughters weren’t so bad, they had big sisters to blaze the trail for them. 🙂
Thanks for the article Stacy, and for the reminder of how precious our children are and that we should be in “the moment” with them as much as possible.
N will turn 4 this Fall, so we aren’t at KG yet. Still, I am so happy that you allowed yourself to feel whatever came up. Whether it’s sadness, or emotions, or other, it is a mother opening and closing and opening her heart to the past, present, and future. It’s so hard to be present, and you were. Thanks from one mom to another!
Yes, it was very emotional for me sending my daughter to kindergarten too. There was no time to cry (we were late!), but I felt emotional about it all week. I wasn’t expecting it, because she went to preschool five days a week last year. But it really is this stepping-stone to letting go – the start of ‘real school’ and this whole life they have that we are not really in. And I also felt such pangs about her not knowing anyone, and not being able to find a ‘bathroom buddy’ one day (which didn’t seem to bother her much, but pained me!) I found myself worrying about absurd things like ‘what if all the girls have already paired off into best friends and she is left without anyone’ (because girls this age do pair off so much.) It was so silly on one level, but on another all about wanting to protect her from any potential pain.
I don’t think there’s any cure really. Friends I know with adult children still go through pain with them. I think just learning to see that pain and the love we feel as part and parcel of the same thing, the yin and yang of parenthood, is all we can really do, and then we can see the beauty of it all. But I don’t think it will ever not hurt sometimes. I try and trust that they have their own life journey’s to make, and that will involve pain and transitions and change, and all I can do is try and provide a safe port in the storm.
Keith – Thank you for sharing your story. I keep reminding myself “this is it.” These are the days that I get to have with my young children. One day they will be all grown up and I’ll get to enjoy that too, but for now, I’m enjoying all the emotions (even the tears) that come with being a mommy. Because I know one day, they won’t want to call me mommy anymore.
Mermaid – No one said BEING present in motherhood was going to be easy…but it is priceless.
Lisa (mommymystic) – I’m still feeling emotional and we are starting week two. 🙂 I love what you wrote about letting go and providing a safe port in the storm. I truly believe sending you child to kindergarten kicks in a whole new degree of motherhood.
Oh Stacey – you wrote this so well – I was laughing out loud (in a good way, not at you) – and there were tears in my eyes, too. As long as you keep being a strong, independent person, Bug will copy you, and as he copies your ability to be in the moment, he will know what to do – that’s what I think, anyway. Cheers Stacey – R
Oh those rites of passage and stages of life that are as new and natural as rain falling on roses.
I cried all the way home when my girl started kindergarten, cried on and off that week. And I imagine I have many more times to cry ahead in her life.
It’s sweet. It’s sad. It’s life. And love.
Robin – Thanks for your insight. It’s important to remember how much children mirror parental behavior.
Jannie – Yes! As a mom, as soon as I get the hang of some stage of motherhood, I’m on to a new stage filled with unknowns and adventure. As you say beautifully…”It’s sweet. It’s sad. It’s life. And love.”
i as a mother very scard of my son going into kindergarten. i cry a lot about this , i am going to even give my self a alser.
Haha no offense but I am petrified of my daughter going to school next year as she will still be three and am balling my eyes out and there is sill 11 more months until she starts. I’m from Canada but live ontario but in the opposite side of the country. I never ever ever have been away from her other than when I was in labour with her brother or the 2 times in her life he dad watched her for a few hours while i had a girls night out…… I’m debating as I am a stay at home mom also, to keep her at home for a extra year and make her skip jr kindergarden or out her in when she is 3 turning 4 in October…….I’m so attached to my kids and it’s killing me and I have so much anxiety already.. I don’t think I can deal with leaving my little princess sleeping beauty on her own witout her mommy. Ughhhhh I don’t know what I am going to do. If i have “elephant tears,” rolling down my face and they won’t stop, and still have 11 more months until she starts school, what the he’ll am I going to do the day I have to set her free. I feel as if she needs me and I need her. At the moment we have a special bond and love spending every minute with eachother and we wouldn’t have it any other way. Once she goes to school, I seriously feel like this the end of it all. She will gain independence, confidence and the next thing I know she will be moving out of the house with her boyfriend. I should look at it as a new beginning but I don’t and would rather homeschool her as selfish as that sounds, so that she could be under my wing for a very long time.
I am a stay at home mother, have been since my daughter was born, she is my only child ( i had a total abdominal hysterectomy a few years ago so she is it ) and tommorow she starts private school tomorrow. She is excited and ready..me on the other hand…i am watching my only precious child..grow up. Like you, i want to protect her from any and all pain or hardships but at the same i know if i want to see her reach jer most full potential..i have to let and encourage her to spread her wings. It breaks my heart to no end, i will be strong and suportive, but when i get home i will probably lose it. I cant imagine what it will be to see her in high school, and eventually give my only child away in marriage. To all the moms sending thier babies off to school. Hang in there, enjoy every moment because one day instead of walking them down the hall, you will be walking them down the isle.