This post was originally published on Chicago Moms Blog.
It’s never fun taking my four year old to get his haircut.
He cringes at the very thought of it, protests all the way there, and verbally lets me know how unhappy he is the entire time we are there. To be honest, the only way we really survive haircuts is by hanging a lollipop incentive over him.
It’s never fun taking him to get his haircut, but last week’s hair cutting adventure was in a league of its own.
Kids are Creatures of Habit
Like all of us, my son is a creature of habit. He likes his routines and more importantly he expects his routines. He expects breakfast and kisses in the morning, snacks in the car, books at bedtime, and special mommy time after preschool. And when I break any of his anticipated routines all hell can break loose…especially when I am replacing special mommy time with having to get a haircut.
Kids are Resistant
But life happens, hair grows, and I did take him to get his haircut last week. I expected some resistance, but this time, he was resilient. Inside the (low end) hair salon, he melted down and blew up all at the same time. At first, he screamed and kicked. Then with a twinkle in his eye, he started running around making out of control sounds. Counting 1-2-3 wasn’t working, using consequences wasn’t working, sitting him on my lap and talking about his inappropriate behavior wasn’t working, and stepping outside to reinforce my expectations with him was also not working.
My beautiful fun-loving son was out of control. I knew I should have probably just left but I was determined to get his haircut.
It was finally his turn. He protested during the entire hair-cutting process, but in the end, we survived and his hair was cut.
Some Moms Are Unbelievable
Walking to my car, relieved that this experience was all behind me, I was approached by the woman who was sitting next to me in the waiting room and who had obviously watched my entire ordeal. She drove up, rolled down her window, and took her best shot at me.
She started with “You really need to learn how to discipline your children in public”. She continued with “Your quiet whispering approach is not going to give your children the discipline they need”. She went on, went off on me, and thought she was putting me in my place. I really was in disbelief that some mom would stalk me out in a parking lot to give me unsolicited advice.
This Mom is Looking for Words of Encouragement
In that moment, did I really need blundering, discouraging, and disapproving energy in my life? I would have appreciated was something like…
- “I know it’s not always easy.”
- “We have all been there.”
- “I feel for you”.
- “This too shall pass”
- “You did great considering the circumstance.”
- “He’ll grow out of it.”
This Mom is Encouraging More Kindness
I would have appreciated her sharing some empowering or supportive insight that reminded me that, as moms, we are all doing the best we can do with the resources, time, and energy that we have. I would have appreciated some unconditional understanding from one mom to another.
The lesson I’m taking away from this experience can be summed up in one word, K-I-N-D-N-E-S-S. As moms, we can choose to judge each other or be kind to each other; to criticize each other or to be there for each other.
My Guarantee
The next time I see a mom drowning in her own child’s temper tantrum, I will be showering her with unconditional supportive kindness.
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[…] motherhood and how we mothers can better support each other and ourselves. As Stacey says in her latest article: As moms, we can choose to judge each other or be kind to each other; to criticize each other or to […]
Shoulda told her thanks for the worthless advice and how grateful you were that you didn’t pay for it. 🙂
Some people should mind their own business. Personalu I think yelling at children in public is tasteless. I can’t help but wonder how these kids are treated at home!
Funny, normally I see moms getting unsolicited advice when they yell or hit their children in public, especially when its another mom giving the advice. I would have disgraced myself by going off on her, something I really would not want my child to see…lol. You did not mention how you responded, I would love to know. It’s moments like these when it takes all your mental muscle to practice kindness not only with your child but a with a person like that. Which is really the zen-like way, of knowing she is just not on the same path as you.
.-= dina´s last blog ..Ravi Instant Wine Chiller Review =-.
I’m just stunned! She must have a lot of time on her hands!
I’m also very humbled by your own response to this. I’d still be stewing, but you definitely took the positive out of this situation.
Oh, I can so relate to this! And you are so right, kindness and understanding is what we all need. We all have our up and down moments, and so do our kids. “Until you walk in anothers’ shoes” and all that…
.-= Lisa´s last blog ..Booklist – Women’s Energy Body Teachings and Practices =-.
You’re so right!! What is wrong with people? Especially when you see it’s a first time mom struggling.
I remember, being new to mothering, and my 6 wk old was just spitting up all over me in line at the grocery store. Do you think the woman behind me could at least offer to help? Or put a kind hand on my shoulder ? No. Instead she says, “tsk… we NEVER took our children out of the home that young. That baby is simply too young to be out of the home yet.”
Hello, lady, my husband is gone on a business trip and I need groceries!
.-= Alexandra´s last blog ..Cool Whip Queen =-.
Telling someone they suck is the worst thing anyone can do. How does that help? You were probably already being hard on yourself, now add this mean person on top and that would have set me off. I probably would have lashed out, but I have to give you credit you didn’t fight fire with fire.
She should have said, next time you should try… It worked for me with my 4 year old. At least you would have something to work with.
I’m always amazed at lack of manners on some people’s part. It’s hard being a parent and it’s harder when our kids act up in public. If you are too stern, someone will call the police. Obviously, if you aren’t stern enough, someone feels a need to interject. I have sympathy for parents with kids that have fits. I have one and know it’s hard to deal with.
all those bullet points… that’s EXACTLY what I would have said.
Next time you’re accosted by such an insensitive creep of a busybody on the pretense of “helpfulness” – you have my permission as a mom (because that counts for a LOT) to tell her exactly where her useful suggestions can be put. I’ll leave the details up to you 🙂
Scarlett Black – Yes, sometimes we don’t need advice, we just need to know we are not alone.
Dina – I responded by saying something like “well you can discipline your children and I’m just fine disciplining mine without your advice”. All that was running through my head in the moment was the word “Seriously?” that her words almost left me speechless.
Kathi – I was stunned too.
Lisa – Yes, kindness and understanding is what we all need.
Alexandra – Great example. Too often people speak without knowing the full situation.
Karl Staib – Your right, I should have asked her “How is this helping my situation?”
Judy – Thanks for your understanding.
T – Thank you for your permission!
I wrote on my facebook account about something of this sort the other day. I’ve encountered quite a few “unsupportive” moms myself lately. I don’t get it — moms are supposed to be giving moms support, looks of encouragement, etc. I almost cried in the grocery store the other day because of a disapproving mom. I feel your pain. And I support you 100%.